I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
