I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
