my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
