I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
