They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
