I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
last night I used snow as a chaser
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
