The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
