I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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