I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
