she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
