ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
