can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
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