the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
