i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
