im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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