Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I did not marry a roomba.
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