My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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