i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
