Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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