i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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