i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
