Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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