My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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