Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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