we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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