First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
