i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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