I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Randomize
