youre lurking in front of me
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize