First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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