Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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