There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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