Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
