he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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