I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
