What a fucking waste of an outfit
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
