I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
