i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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