Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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