his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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