nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
