Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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