How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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