Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
