Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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