fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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