Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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