the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Floor bacon is actually really good
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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