Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
