I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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