sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize