Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize