i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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