Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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