You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize