He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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