And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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