either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You can't special order awesome
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
