So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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