She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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