i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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