I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm just crazy horny about you
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
